On behalf of HSBC Bank, Fiji Water, the Government of Finland, and the Edible Arrangements Corporation of North America, you are cordially invited to the greatest Art Basel Miami Beach party in the history of mankind. Humanity has yet to behold such a truly magnificent party, with a gathering of luminaries, celebrities, socialites, sociables, sociopaths, bons vivants, and hangers-on, the likes of which haven’t convened since the sinking of the Titanic.
The festivities begin at the private residence of some private individual who’s probably (though privately) extremely rich, with an extremely privately private dinner. We will be celebrating some artist whose name we forget (that’s literally his name—some artist whose name we forget—all in bolded lowercase) and whose work you surely don’t know because it’s pretty obscure (literally the exhibition’s name—pretty obscure) and, in all likelihood, you probably aren’t supposed to be here. (Literally, you aren’t supposed to be here. We’re looking at you.)
This extremely private dinner, set to honor the artist some artist whose name we forget, will be celebrating the release of his new film, film, and will also honor the gallerists, curators, collectors, and Madonna (the Virgin Mary, not the pop singer) who made his book, book, such a huge success.
Meant to tantalize even the most discerning palates, the 1,274-course tasting menu represents a highly curated meta-meta-gastro-physical collaboration between Daniel Boulud, Jean-Georges Vongerichten, and Kofi Annan. Each chef and/or former U.N. Secretary General has prepared 424.667 dishes a piece, with the free-range, organic-diet flamingo entrees generously provided by Zoo Miami, and the appetizers co-sponsored by the Miami Seaquarium. Held around a Roman triclinium, the meal started several months ago, and is likely to continue for the indefinite future.
Many of the MacArthur Causeway’s northbound lanes have been shut down and turned into the Veuve Clicquot Art Basel Miami Beach Chevauchement e’ Glissement, a champagne Slip ’n Slide spanning the length of many football fields, ensuring that there’s absolutely no chance of escape.
The celebration continues with a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike ride, a 26,219-mile run, a pogo-stick relay, a potato-sack race, another 2.4-mile swim, and an obstacle-course installation of bouncy castles. Mary Lou Retton, Scott Hamilton, and Dmitri Shostakovich will determine the winners of these activities, with the scores based on technical and artistic merit. Runners-up will receive Boeing 747s. The first-place winner will receive one of the few free parking spaces left in South Florida. Be sure to use the hashtagged keyword #ABMBSwimBikeRunPogoPotatoSwimBouncyCastle when tweeting from the race.
Our guests will then arrive at the Greatest Art Basel Party in the History of Mankind’s South Beach Pavilion, which spans 14 square miles of previously uninterrupted beachfront. Erected especially for the occasion, with funds rivaling the G.D.P. of several European nations (though that’s not saying much these days), the architectural focal point of the beachfront pavilion is the Standard Hotel, New York, Miami.
No, not the Standard Hotel, Miami. Under the supervision of Andre Balázs, will.i.am, the Sixth Duke of Marlborough, and the Army Corps of Engineers, we’ve had the Standard Hotel in New York disassembled, brick by brick, and loaded into the holds of several U.S. Air Force Lockheed-Martin C-5 Galaxy cargo planes, and then reassembled on the beach adjoining Lummus Park.
Those familiar with the Standard will instantly recognize the hotel, save that it’s been put back together upside down, horizontally, and in a general spiraling motion, so that the rooftop bar is now accessible from the beach.
At booths set up around this architectural masterpiece rendered flat—there’s a message in there somewhere—to the left of the sit-down talks between North and South Korea and just beyond where His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI will be granting papal dispensations, Ferrero Rocher and the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute will be sponsoring the Art Basel Miami Beach Coelacanth Petting Tank. Money shall rain forth from the heavens.
The festivities continue, with Lady Gaga scheduled to perform the entire 15-hour cycle of Richard Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen. Backed by the Berlin Philharmonic, the London Philharmonic, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Bolshoi Ballet, the Harlem Globetrotters, the Twirling Tumbling Moriarti Sisters, and STOMP, she will be playing the role of Fricka, Queen of Asgard and Mother of Baldr, and will be joined onstage in a duet with special guest performer Liberace. (We know people who know people.)
The Event—now capitalized, thanks to the coordinated co-sponsored re-sponsorship efforts of the Art Basel Miami Beach Oxford English Dictionary team—goes from Friday at eight p.m. until three weeks later. But thanks to the Art Basel Miami Beach Party Planning Tribunal at The Hague (for the weekend relocated to Brickell Avenue), we have managed to intercalate several weeks into the month of December, so that the Event will all be over approximately half an hour before it started.
All at once and quite suddenly, the heavens shall open up, wingéd cherubim shall appear carrying trumpets, which they shall blow in a spectacle of magnificent sound, in order to herald forth the culminating moment of the greatest Art Basel party in the history of all mankind, the likes of which humanity has never beheld:
Rihanna will be announcing the latest H&M collaboration.
Please R.S.V.P. yesterday; this invitation is non-transferable, and is for you and a guest (who has won an Academy Award and/or a MacArthur Genius Grant). Please submit an 8 x 10 glossy and the original title of your favorite Swiss-German fairy tale along with your 2005 tax return. Iris scans/tissue typing at the door.